


Self-Destructive Dating

by punsandships



Category: In Other Lands | The Turn of the Story - Sarah Rees Brennan
Genre: Exercising and doing plays, Gray spectrum Luke, M/M, Sad Elliot, They're dating and Elliot still doesn't get it., awkward dating, clueless Elliot, they're not great at this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punsandships/pseuds/punsandships
Summary: After Serene and Jase both break up with Elliot in the course of a few months, his behaviors get a little more self-destructive than usual. He asks Luke out. Begins the day after he stabs himself with the butter knife.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently I just want to write 500 different versions of them coming back after the summer he dated Jase (and all of them will end with the play).

Elliot gave up on sitting at the drama table, and since he wanted to keep his writing arm in good condition, he passed on the Trigon table, as well. 

“Well, thank God you’ve stopped being so weird,” said Luke, sitting down across the table from him. 

“Why are you here?” Elliot asked. He should have come up with something more clever to say, but he was out of clever ideas at the moment. 

“Um, lunch?” Luke said, indicating the meal in front of him. 

Here was the problem. Luke was used to sitting next to Elliot, and Elliot couldn’t shake him. He was habitual and possibly shy and definitely bad at learning new names. But Luke’s force of habit made some part of Elliot--almost certainly the part of Elliot that had started liking Luke during their first year of school and considered him one of the only people he couldn’t bear to lose--interpret that as though Luke cared about him. That part of him felt triumphant, smug, and was pointing and shouting so that the Trigon table could hear, “Even if I’m the only one at the table, Luke still wants to sit here.”

So he had to ask Luke what he was doing at the table, even though he didn’t expect Luke to say anything more useful than “Lunch.” All these games to keep Luke from hurting him, and it was inevitable anyway. Luke wasn’t stupid, and traditionally even stupid people had a limit of how much Elliot they could take. Eventually Luke would do the smart thing and get rid of Elliot. Maybe when Serene came back. Maybe sooner. 

But until then, Luke would continue to sit at his table, and Elliot would continue to want--no, to hope--that this made them friends.

There was only one way of responding to that constant hope, the stupid part of himself that thought someone might want him. Luke could choose to tear down the whole thing whenever he wanted, and Elliot wouldn’t have any control over it.

Unless he forced Luke to do it right now. 

So Elliot stared across the table at Luke and said, “Do you want to date me?”

Luke choked on the hunk of meat he was chewing and took several minutes to cough about it. When he’d recovered, he put down his fork and asked very slowly, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, would you like to be my boyfriend? Go to the Elven Tavern together. Hold hands, probably. Kiss.”

Elliot was fairly certain that the incredible shade of red that Luke’s face achieved wasn’t brought on by the earlier bout of coughing. But then, Luke always reacted like this when anything physical came into the picture. 

Luke’s jaw tightened, and Elliot braced himself for the cold dismissal. “Are you making fun of me?”

Elliot frowned. “Usually, yes. Not at this time. Why would you assume that I’m making fun of you?”

“Because you don’t like me as a person, so it doesn’t make any sense for you to ask me to date.”

“I do so like you as a person. I only pretend not to in order to keep you grounded. I think it’s had positive effects on you.” There. Lay all the cards on the table so there was nothing to protect his heart. That would teach him to want things. 

“But you like girls.”

“I do. I definitely do that. I also like boys, as I had previously suspected and became very certain of this summer.”

He kept his gaze steady on Luke, even though he wanted to look anywhere but at the shock and distaste in his expression. This was the recipe to getting over it. “I have to--I have to think about it.”

“What?” Elliot squawked. What was there to think about? 

Luke looked upset. “Are you sure you’re not making fun of me?”

“I’m sure. I think it’s time for a lesson. In my world, when someone asks you out, and you don’t like them or have any interest dating them, you can say, ‘Thanks, but I’d rather drive a butter knife through my arm than go on a date with you. You’re annoying and usually make me upset.’ Or, if you feel like maintaining a charade that the two of you have a truce, you can say something like, ‘Thanks, but I really think of you more like a brother. An annoying, younger brother who can’t do anything I find useful.’” 

“I don’t want to say any of that.” Luke’s look had elevated from upset to miserable, and Elliot did not know how to fix it. This hadn’t been meant to make Luke feel bad about turning him down. It was taking all the fun out of the self-loathing. 

“Don’t worry about how I’ll take it. I’m fast becoming the Borderland’s foremost expert on being rejected by attractive people. I’ll be fine.”

Luke took a deep breath. “Elliot, I said I need time to think. Please.” With that, he stood up and walked out of the lunchroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot had not spent much time thinking about his decision to ask Luke to date him. Of course, he had not expected to enjoy the results, but he had expected to be able to wallow, or at the very least, sulk. He had not intended the emotional limbo he was now experiencing. He pondered the problem through most of his class. 

On some level he was still aware that Mr. Dustlaid was spouting inaccuracies about mermaid communication, but his more pressing thoughts were focused on the situation he had created with Luke. One of the problems was that, now that he’d asked Luke to date him, he could no longer keep his mind shut to all the things that would be really excellent about dating Luke Sunborn. Luke had soft hair. He was good with small children, and would potentially allow Elliot to name his children Smooth Jazz. He tolerated larger doses of Elliot’s presence than nearly anyone else. Elliot liked Luke’s family. Even though he’d spent years training himself to not respond to Luke the way everyone else did, he might as well admit that he saw it too. 

He might actually want to date Luke Sunborn. Who was he kidding? He did actually want to date Luke Sunborn. If Luke had just been decent and let Elliot down with one of his recommended phrases during lunch, Elliot would have never thought himself into this position, and it wouldn’t be so terrible when Luke found him later and told him that they could never date, because boys like Luke Sunborn belonged with boys like Dale Wavechaser, and probably also that they shouldn’t spend so much time together since Elliot was getting the wrong idea. This was clearly Luke’s fault. 

Which was why Elliot felt no guilt about hiding in the library after class. This involved skipping dinner around the campfires. Giving up any opportunity to be warm and intake calories was questionable, but no more questionable than putting himself within hearing range of so many classmates when Luke turned him down. 

 

Unfortunately, Luke knew where the library was. 

“What are you doing here?” Elliot snarled. He knew it wasn’t fair to sound so angry, but he was not known for his fairness.

“Not lunch,” Luke said, taking a seat across the table from Elliot. He was perched on the edge of his seat like he was ready to take off at any moment. 

It wasn’t fair for Luke to be so casual and funny at a time like this. Elliot felt like he was going to snap at any moment. “Make it quick. I’m researching mermaids so I can correct our fine faculty about their communication patterns.”

Luke shifted. “I have--questions.”

Elliot didn’t look up. “About mermaid communication?”

“No!” Luke’s voice was too loud for the library, and Elliot’s eyes finally left the page. Maybe Luke wasn’t feeling as casual as Elliot had first expected. He had the look of a person who wanted to be anywhere but where he was, and not primarily because it was a library. 

“Fine,” Elliot relented. He shut the book. This had been the plan in the first place. Get the pain over with so it’s not there to blindside you in the future. 

“If--” Luke cleared his throat. “I mean, do you actually like me?”

Elliot frowned. This was complicated. He didn’t ask Luke out because he liked him romantically, but now that he had asked Luke out, he probably did? “I haven’t thought about it for long, but probably.”

That answer didn’t ease the worry lines on Luke’s face. “You think that Serene will be okay with this?”

“I don’t see how Serene could possibly care,” Elliot muttered. If Serene had wanted to have a say about him dating, she should not have dumped him.

“I don’t want to hurt Serene,” Luke continued seriously. “When the two of you were dating, I never saw you, and I know that Serene wouldn’t like that.” His eyes darted away, skating across the spines of books. 

Make this easy for him, Elliot reminded himself. “I won’t prevent you from spending time with Serene.”

Luke took a deep breath and spat out the next question. “You’re not going to be mean, are you?”

“Not all the time,” Elliot said. “But I’m rather set in my ways, so I can’t promise that I’m never going to be mean to you.”

Luke cracked a smile. “I wouldn’t expect that. I wouldn’t know what to do if you were never mean to me.”

“Further questions?” Elliot prompted. He was starting to wonder where this conversation was headed. 

Luke opened his mouth, then closed it. Opened it again. “No more questions. Alright. Let’s do it.”

“Do what?” 

“Dating. Let’s do it.”


	3. Chapter 3

Immediately, Elliot had wanted to ask several questions of his own, such as, “Do _you_ actually like _me_?” and “Are _you_ sure about this?” but it seemed like it was too late to ask them, since Luke had officially declared them dating, which is what led to this, twenty-four hours later: Dinner at the Elven Tavern.

“Does this feel weird to you?” Luke asked, pushing the food around on his plate.

Elliot looked around at the other couples, all alight with happiness and shared affection. This was how it ended.. For some reason, Luke had been delusional the night before. He thought the Elliot was someone else. And now he’d figured out what he wanted, and it wasn’t Elliot, so he was breaking up with him over dinner. This was a new record.

“It’s definitely weird,” Elliot agreed.

Luke pushed food around on his plate. Elliot didn’t even feel like taking his dessert.

“If you want to go back, we can,” Elliot muttered. He couldn’t think of anything better to say. Apparently if he couldn’t say something mean, he couldn’t say anything at all.

Luke sighed in relief. “Yes. Please.”

Elliot stood up stiffly. He felt numb, but his mind worked quickly through what had happened. Luke had never liked Elliot, as he’d known all along. But he was kind, so he’d given Elliot a chance. And now that Elliot had proved awkward and incapable of holding a civil conversation, Luke would justifiably never want to speak with him again.

He tried to seem normal walking out alongside Luke. Should they even walk back together? Well, it was dark now, and if there was anything (or anyone) out there that wanted to damage Elliot, he’d be safer with Luke. Even if that meant that Luke would probably take advantage of the time to officially tell Elliot what he thought of him.

“Thanks,” Luke said. He sounded as uncomfortable as Elliot felt. “I know--I mean, I’m sure the other people you’ve done this with know what to do in situations like this.”

“True. So far everyone has been more than adequate at breaking up with me.”

“Breaking up with? I just meant that everyone else probably knows what to talk about when you go out. I’m...”

Elliot looked up at Luke and saw that once again, he’d made Luke miserable. “It’s not your fault, Luke. I’m a strategist, and I’d never be foolish enough to count on you to lead the conversation. I made the mistake of thinking I’d be able to have a conversation without being insulting.”

Luke’s lips twitched in amusement, which Elliot only noticed because he was studying Luke’s face. “You don’t have to have a conversation without being insulting. I know who I agreed to d-date. Besides, now that I know you like me, I know not to take you too seriously.” Was Luke blushing? It was hard to tell in the dark, but it seemed like yes.

“That’s no good,” Elliot frowned. “You already don’t listen to anything that I say.”

Luke’s eyes sparkled with trouble. “What was that?”

 

By the time they got back to camp, Elliot had made Luke laugh twice, and the silences no longer felt like they were about to snap. And then they ended up standing outside Elliot’s cabin, looking at each other, and all of the tension that had drained from the space between the two of them came rushing back. What were they supposed to do now? If it was Serene or Jace, he’d invite them inside, but Luke had very much stopped walking. And talking. It was hard to determine if he was, in fact, breathing.

The reality of why Luke looked so stricken occurred to Elliot instantly. He was thinking about the same thing that Elliot was--going into the cabin and what might come next, and it was making him pale and sick.

“Are you still going to make me run now that we’re dating?” Elliot asked. His voice sounded brittle, but the emotion could pass as his hate for physical activity.

Luke looked surprised.

“Because if so, I assume I’ll see you tomorrow, at the stupidly early time you insist on running.”

That expression had to be relief. “That’s right. You can’t start getting slow just because--because of this. See you tomorrow.”

Alone in his cabin, Elliot stared at the ceiling and tried to see the pattern in his interactions with Luke. In the Elven Tavern, the quintessential spot for couples, he’d looked ready to bolt. And as soon as they made it to the cabin, the place with the most potential for Elliot to kiss Luke, Luke had looked nauseated.

Either Luke didn’t actually want to be seen in public with him, or he wasn’t actually attracted to Elliot. Or both. He’d agreed to date Elliot out of pity and guilt, but he didn’t want that to carry as far as kissing Elliot, or people actually seeing them together and knowing that they were dating. He couldn’t even say the word.

But a whole section of the date hadn’t been awful. The part where they were walking and talking, without any physical contact required. The kind of date that any platonic friends could participate in together.

Had Luke thought this was the only way to get Elliot to be nice to him? That he and Elliot could only be friends if he gave Elliot this? Was he wrong?

It was times like these that Elliot missed contraband that made noise. TVs. Radios. Honking horns and car tires on the suburban streets. Anything that wasn’t the whirring of his own head, thinking about how Luke had probably pictured taking his hand, or having to kiss him goodnight in front of the cabin, and been repulsed by it. The whirring of wondering how long Luke would keep up this charade. Wondering how raw it would be when Luke inevitably ended it, how it would feel to have nobody left.

He sat up in bed and traced his fingers over the spine of one of the books he’d smuggled out of the library. He could light a candle and read until his eyes drifted shut of their own accord. He could stuff his brain with thoughts written by someone else until it was too full for self-loathing. But the dark seemed right.

Maybe he could make this last. If he didn’t ask Luke for anything he wasn’t offering. He thought he was an okay boyfriend. He had definite snarky moments, but he’d had fun with Serene and Jase. They’d had fun together. He thought.


	4. Chapter 4

When the cold, cruel smile of dawn caught Elliot standing at the track with Luke, he was in a more horrible mood than usual. He hadn’t slept well, and even his dreams were filtered with the colors of other people’s regret. And Luke looked absolutely thrilled to be rising with the sun. His hair glinted with gold, and his lips were curved into a perfect and only slightly sadistic grin. Noticing how handsome Luke was, knowing that he was allowed to notice it now, but still feeling how uneven his position was did not improve his mood. 

Luke started jogging and Elliot fell into step beside him. Normally, Elliot ran around the track while Luke shouted at him to go faster and Elliot used whatever breath he could spare to curse back at him, but this was a fresh hell. After a couple of brief, heavenly moments at a “warm up” pace, Luke started running--almost floating--with effortless strides just a smidge faster than Elliot possibly could without heaving and gasping for every breath. 

“I’m going to write Serene a letter this afternoon to let her know about us. And also to see if there’s anything new on the battle front. The last letter I got from her was almost a week ago, and I’m worried that she’s gotten herself in trouble with her berserker frenzies.”

“Yes,” Elliot gasped. “Letter.” Of course, there was a lot more going through his head, such as surprise that Luke was willing to tell Serene about their newly budding relationship. Well, they were sword sisters. Luke wasn’t supposed to keep anything from her, not even embarrassing boyfriends. 

“And I suppose we still have to help with the play that you got us roped into.”

“Don’t...have...to.” Elliot gasped. 

“Right, right. We get to. Because it’s a cultural hallmark and all that. I think some of those girls might have their eyes on your boyfriend, though.” Luke was smirking in the way that Elliot imagined more than he really saw on Luke’s face, and in the moment it made Elliot let out a huff of laughter. 

“Not...going to ...fight for you… Would ...definitely lose.” 

“Better not count on racing for me either. Not at this pace.” With that, Luke picked up his own pace, and Elliot fought back the urge to puke and did his best to keep up. 

 

Luke and Elliot ran into each other just outside the lunchroom that day. Luke looked, as he usually did, like someone who had just gotten done heaving around a bunch of heavy objects, or maybe just one heavy object through some complicated and precise maneuvers. Objectively, it made him a little sweaty, but also it made his hair cling to his forehead in a charming way that Elliot wanted to touch. He kept his hands to himself. 

The expression on Luke’s face was one of intense purpose, though, and he was staring straight at Elliot. And then he was reaching toward Elliot, and Elliot flinched and raised a hand to protect himself, and Luke grabbed the hand and was holding it. 

He was holding Elliot’s hand. Elliot looked at their hands, which were folded fingers over palm and not fingers-intertwined, and twisted his hand so that their fingers would interlock. Then he looked up at Luke. 

Luke looked worse than Elliot felt after they finished running that morning. His face was--blotchy. Red, but in patchy spots. And he was having trouble breathing. He hadn’t looked like that a moment ago. The determination in his eyes, though, hadn’t changed. 

“Are you being an idiot?” Elliot frowned. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” Luke said through gritted teeth, looking very much like someone who did not want to do this. 

Elliot only had about half a second to consider arguing this point, though, because at that moment Luke started walking toward their usual table, and Elliot, being attached by the hand, found himself following along. Which wouldn’t have normally stopped him from arguing, except he was overcome with indignation, because as soon as he stepped into the lunchroom, he noticed that they were getting more attention, even, than Luke Sunborn usually drew to himself just by existing. Luke was nobly ignoring the whispers and gestures in their direction, and Elliot tried to follow suit. 

And then he noticed that there was money changing hands. 

“I cannot believe it!” He cried. “Do you realize the tawdry population of this school has been making bets about your dating status? Do they have nothing better to do than speculate about when you’d begin--”

Luke interrupted. “Elliot, I’ve never had anything to bet on. They probably made bets about you.”

Ever the font of useful knowledge, Adara Cornripe piped up. “You can’t possibly both be this clueless. We bet on both of you. As in, when you were finally going to man up and get together.”

As if this revelation was not enough usefulness from Adara for the day, she stood up and followed them to their usual table. Elliot did not even look at her until he and Luke were settled (both on the same side of the table, because Luke did not release his hand until they were sitting side by side) and made sure that Luke was not going to pass out from hyperventilation or lack of blood to any part of his body that was not his face. This was pretty basic behavior, and he probably would have done so even if he and Luke were on their old terms (although more subtly and possibly with more insults) but Adara still cleared her throat. “Hello, I did not join you at this table to get a more personal view of your relationship.”

Elliot looked away from Luke long enough to consider Adara. At the moment, her presence was an intrusion, but she might still have useful information to provide. “Then why did you come over here?”

“Because there are other elements of the bets to settle,” she answered promptly. 

“Before you continue on that line,” Elliot interrupted. “I have two questions. First, I am supposed to believe that a substantial enough percentage of our classmates actually believed that Luke Sunborn and I, Elliot Schafer, would end up in some kind of relationship to constitute a betting pool?”

“You can figure out that much on your own,” Adara sniffed. “I’d be really annoyed at you now, but you just won me a nice sum of money.” 

Elliot frowned. “This is not one of the initial questions, but why would anyone think that Luke Sunborn, and I, Elliot Schafer, would end up in a relationship of any kind?”

“I mean, it was right there, for anyone with eyes. What’s your other question? I don’t want to spend the whole lunchtime sitting here. And I’m sure that’s not what you want.” She managed to make this sound suggestive, although what the two of them were meant to get up to at the lunch table, Elliot did not know. 

Luke interrupted with a question of his own. “So what you’re saying is, everybody has been talking about me and Elliot? Us liking each other?”

“Yes. For a few years. Pretty much since you decided to announce to the class that you like boys. Does that count as a question? Because I have at least five things I’m supposed to ask, and I don’t--”

Elliot cut her off before she could say more about not wanting to spend her lunch with them. “Are the questions going to embarrass Luke?” 

A guilty grin appeared on Adara’s face. “Almost certainly.”

“Then you can go back to your table and have a nice lunch with your friends, because I’m not answering.” What Elliot really meant was that he wasn’t going to answer in front of Luke, and not for the purposes of the under the table gambling ring of his classmates. If Adara actually wanted to talk to him about things, she was probably one of the people who could give him the best practical advice.

“Thanks for nothing,” Adara groused. Then almost as an afterthought, she added. “See you at practice tonight, Red Rose, Jewel. We’ve got dance numbers to choreograph, and I imagine you two will need a lot of time to figure that out.”

“I’ll have you know that Luke is a perfect physical specimen and can learn any physical routine faster than you can teach it to him.”

“Elliot,” Luke growled. His face, which had settled to a light pink, was flushing once again. Elliot grinned. Why had he not realized several years earlier that showering Luke with over-the-top compliments would me so much more entertaining than insulting him?

Adara scoffed and walked away. 

Luke groaned and buried his face in both of his hands. Elliot wanted to take back the hand that Luke had let him hold earlier. It had been unexpectedly nice, and it was the sort of thing that would have made him feel better after having his privacy invaded by Adara, but he doubted it would make Luke feel any better. 

“Thanks,” Luke said, “for getting rid of her.” 

Elliot shrugged and began eating his own meal, because sitting there in silence and being thanked for something so simple seemed too much like the awkward date they’d attempted to go on. He could feel that he was about to start babbling, and maybe if there was food in his mouth…

“I can’t believe they’ve been taking bets on us,” Luke shook his head. “Like it’s some kind of game.”

“I’m just surprised anyone who knew us would have bet on us being together.” Elliot said. Including Adara. She’d bet for the two of them, and that only increased his approval of her. Saying this seemed a lot safer than saying what he was really thinking, which was something like, Thank you for actually showing people that we are together, even though it caused a scene. I thought you were too ashamed to touch me. 

Instead, he took Luke’s pudding and replaced it with a pear. 

Luke shot him a look that said, Still? Really? while Elliot licked pudding off the spoon.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a new pattern for Elliot and Luke, but they got accustomed to being a couple. Luke took Elliot’s hand several times when they were walking around, and Elliot made it his permanent mission to get Luke to laugh at as many of his jokes as possible. When they were too mean, Luke would frown, but there was a definite edge of cutting sarcasm Elliot found he could get away with.

At lunch, Elliot sat with Luke. Occasionally some of the drama girls came over to join them, to discuss some element of the performance, but it was often just the two of them, while Elliot talked about his most recent research or Luke filled him in on news from Serene.

Elliot was determined that Luke still needed to make friends, especially since their relationship was temporary, and Luke would need someone to talk to while Elliot nursed his wounds. So most days Elliot disappeared during dinner, hopefully forcing Luke to talk to someone else.

Luke found him in the library after that, or Elliot would find Luke at Trigon practice, and Elliot thought that if one of the questions Adara had for betting purposes was _What’s the best part about dating Luke?_ His answer would have been _Finding each other_. Because even though they had so few classes or places in common, Luke looked for Elliot at least as often as Elliot looked for Luke, and they were always running into each other. Every time it happened, Luke’s eyes caught Elliot’s, and Elliot’s blood spiked with the satisfaction of meeting someone who wanted to find him.

It was nearly always chased by an anxious reminder that this was all temporary. Too soon he’d be running into Luke and trying not to feel this same lightness, feigning the old indifference.

Hours were spent in the library or practice rooms, with Elliot letting Luke catch him watching at Trigon practice, chasing each other (fine, Elliot chasing Luke) around the track.

They did not spend time in Elliot’s cabin. Elliot’s hands got more confident running over Luke--his hands, his shoulders, occasionally his hair, and even, once, his jaw. When their heads were close together, Elliot felt a magnetic pull to close the distance, but there was no misreading it: the pull was one-sided. Luke would break eye contact, edge away, catch Elliot’s hand in his, giving it a home but stopping it from roaming anywhere else.

It was a powerful reminder. Luke was just the inverse of Serene--Elliot was someone to pass time with, but not someone permanent enough to even kiss.

And then the letter came from Serene. It was addressed to Luke. All the letters had been from Luke, too. Elliot hadn’t been able to bring himself to write her. Even though he was supposed to be pretending to be glib and unhurt, all of his thoughts of Serene were painted over with a wash of shame and rejection. He desperately wanted her safe and back, but he wouldn’t know what to do with her when she was.

Luke caught Elliot outside before class and hurriedly unfolded the letter. Elliot watched as his eyes raced across the page. He thought of a dozen jibes about Luke’s ability to read and didn’t say any of them aloud, so he was feeling rather proud of himself when he saw the corners of Luke’s mouth drawing down into a frown.

“What’s wrong?” he demanded. “Is she okay?”

Luke hedged. “She’s fine. She’s destroying every opponent, of course. It’s just…”

Elliot couldn’t afford to wait to see what was causing Luke to look so worried. He snatched the letter out of Luke’s hands and skimmed.

_I must confess I am rather skeptical about a budding romance between Elliot and yourself. Both of you are incredibly dear to my heart, which is the only reason I feel so deeply that I must say something. My gravest concern is not for your virtue, although Elliot is charming and I fear you may lose your claim to be an unspoiled man before he is through with you. My true concern is that that I simply cannot see how the two of you would be a good match. You are so genuine and open with your emotions and Elliot…_

Luke grabbed the paper back from Elliot’s hands, and the corner ripped where Elliot had clutched it too tightly.

“Elliot.”

Elliot sat up straighter in his chair. “I shouldn’t have read your mail,” he replied. “I apologize. I did not realize that Se--” he stopped in the middle of saying Serene’s name because he was going to lose his composure, and he did not want to do that here. Luke was open and genuine, and Elliot was what? Manipulative? Shuttered? False? Elliot had never been anything but transparent with Serene about his feelings. He had laid them out for her without a shred of protection, and she had feasted on them and left full.

He backed up a couple of steps, spun around, and started running. He wasn’t faster than Luke, so Luke could have caught him if he’d chased after.

He didn’t.

As a student, Elliot felt little guilt about missing his classes that day. Knowledge was his temple, he was a devoted worshipper, etc. But he felt perilously close to panicking about what Luke would obviously do as a result of the letter. He might be a servant to knowledge, but he could pursue that without leaving the library.

As Red Rose, however, Elliot had an important commitment to the cultural enhancement of the camp, and he could not avoid practice, not least because Adara had threatened bodily harm to him if he missed a practice.Even though it would be a perfect opportunity for Luke to break up with him, he went to play practice. But when Luke saw him, the tension eased from his face, and he sent a Sunborn-perfect grin in Elliot’s direction.

“There you are,” Myra pounced. “I need you and Luke to help me paint the sets today. I’m supposed to have them finished by the end of the week, and at this rate I’ll be lucky if I have them finished by the end of the year.”

She handed the two of them a paint bucket and brush, and Elliot set to work. At first he was dutiful, painting even, perfect strokes across the top of the canvas. He was also avoiding looking at Luke, who was bending over the flat to paint smaller, thinner lines, which put his head within easy touching range.

Don’t. Elliot ordered himself. Serene thought he’d be bad for Luke. He should stay away. Myra was standing just at his left hand, sketching lines over the flats that were already standing, and he reached over to paint an even, perfect stroke down her calf.

She turned around to berate him, but laughed when she saw the troublesome grin on his face. “Elliot. I’m not going to be standing in front of the audience on the night of the play. Don’t waste paint on me.”

Myra was so nice. Definitely his nicest friend, now that Serene turned out to be writing slander about him. Maybe when Luke broke up with him, Myra would have an interest. The thought was not as comforting as he’d hoped.

He turned his attention back toward the flat, humming innocently, and once again his attention started wandering to Luke, who was now definitely looking at Elliot even though he was pretending to paint. Elliot looked up long enough to see the worry crinkled around Luke’s eyes and relented. If Serene was right and he would only hurt Luke with his deceitful, empty heart, he might as well not do it on purpose. He reached over and painted a bit of Luke’s fringe the same bright blue as Myra’s calf.

He leaned back to appraise his work. “Looks good on you. I think you should wear it that way for the play. Adara, can we do an alternative-punk Jewel? It’s just the modernizing spin this play needs.”

Adara scowled at the two of them. “Definitely not. My parents will be attending this play, and they will go berserker on me if they see me kissing a boy with blue hair. Don’t even get me started on them.”

“Kiss?” Luke said. “Did you say kiss?”

“Of course,” Adara replied. She sounded very smug again. “It’s in the script. You kiss me in Act 2. Haven’t you read it?”

“No. No way. I’m going to see Commander Woodsinger.”

 

After Elliot brokered an agreement with Commander Woodsinger about not forcing Luke to kiss anyone, Luke slipped his hand into Elliot’s squeezed once, and whispered, “I’ll find you after dinner,” by which he likely meant, “I’ll see you in the library,” but didn’t want to officially condone the library as their meeting spot.

Adara stopped Elliot on his way out the door. “You haven’t kissed him yet, have you? Is that what all this fuss is about?”

There were times that Elliot very much liked Adara, and then there were times like this. “No one should be forced into distasteful acts for the sake of the theater. Not even under your direction.”

Adara laughed. “I’ll leave his first kiss for you, Red Rose, but you’d better hurry. How long have you been dating? Over a month? And no kiss from Jewel?

Elliot had thought he’d managed to chase away the worst of the feelings from Serene’s letter, but it turned out they were conveniently right where he’d left them.


	6. Chapter 6

Somehow, Adara’s points hurt more than Serene’s. Adara had underestimated. Luke had been pity-dating him for almost five weeks, which was as long as Serene had been able to take Elliot. They hadn’t seemed to get around to kissing, because Luke had never initiated it, and Elliot had told himself he wouldn’t ask for more than Luke wanted to give. Elliot sat in the library, preparing himself for the break up. No kissing, Serene’s letter, five weeks of time with Elliot. It spelled the end. 

“I need you and Serene to still be friends,” Luke opened. Elliot had prepared speeches for many different openings to Luke’s break-up speech, but this was not one. “Serene is my best friend and my Sword Sister. So things need to be okay between you.”

“Everything is wonderful between Serene and me. She’s great. I’m great. Everything is great.” 

“Elliot. Be honest.” 

Luke was the one who was generous and open; Elliot shouldn’t have to pretend, especially now. “Serene is my best friend, too. I’m not going to let her breaking my heart come between us. I won’t let it come between us, either.” He did not say anything about feeling crushed between the two of them. They were all he had, and he didn’t want to say something that would put even more weight on their friendships.

Luke rubbed his forehead. “Between us?”

“Right, we’ll still be friends.” Suddenly, Elliot felt like his throat was closing up. Luke and Elliot hadn’t been friends before they’d started dating. Why would Luke want that afterward?

Luke sat up straighter. “What are you talking about, Elliot?”

Perfect. This was exactly what Elliot had signed up for. Luke needed to be coached through how to break up with Elliot. “Serene knows best. You’re you. And I’m--” 

“She’ll understand when she comes back. I don’t think she’s really impartial about this.”

Why was Luke making this more difficult? “We’ve been together for almost five weeks,” he hinted. “That’s kind of a lot of me to handle.” Maybe he could just gently ease Luke into Jase’s role. 

“And yet I still never understand what you’re trying to say,” Luke smiled. 

“Luke,” Elliot pressed. He wanted this over, now. “It’s been five weeks and we haven’t even kissed.”

The smile evaporated. “Oh. Oh. This is. That’s what you...I understand.” Elliot had been the cause of Luke deflating like this more times than he wanted to admit, but it had never pulled at him like this.

Elliot wanted to undo all the work that he’d just done, but he didn’t want to have to do this again in another week. So he nodded, and tried to swallow over the lump in his throat.

“Are you doing this because of Serene’s letter? Is that why you’re--” Luke forced himself to finish the sentence. “Breaking up with me?”

“I’m not breaking up with you!” Elliot rushed. “You’re breaking up with me.”

Luke’s voice had gone cold. “I know you think I’m a naive loser, but even I know that I’m not the one doing the breaking up here.”

Elliot opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure what he could say. When viewed impartially, Luke was probably right. 

“I thought Serene was just being jealous, but it turns out she was right. I can’t believe I thought you didn’t care about--that you were happy with the way things were.” He stood up, and Luke was fast, so Elliot didn’t have much time to catch him. He didn’t have time to think about it, he just reached out and grabbed Luke’s wrist. 

Luke looked at him, ready to hear whatever Elliot could say to explain himself. If there was ever a time to be open and honest and tell Luke how he felt, this was it. 

His mouth opened and closed like a fish's, but he had nothing to say. Luke would have broken up with him soon anyway. This was what Elliot had wanted from the beginning. 

Luke twisted his wrist and broke free. It was the most forceful he had ever been with Elliot. 

Elliot was left clutching his own fist.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

When Serene broke up with him, he’d been wrecked. When Jase broke up with him, he’d been left hollow. But accidentally breaking up with Luke was like a double punch to the gut. There were the normal terrible feelings, but also the guilt of having hurt someone that he really liked. This was what he asked for, though, wasn’t it? To get all the hurt that was coming to him over? And despite what he’d said about being friends afterward, he hadn’t even made eye contact with Luke since he had accidentally broken up with him almost eighteen hours ago.

Was it really just eighteen hours? It felt like an eternity. Elliot tried to mope around Myra, but she listened to his story and told him that he’d made a terrible mistake. It was possible she was right.

He missed Luke.

He wanted to fix it.

Elliot was staring from the window in class, listening to what should have been a fascinating history of negotiation. It was hard to focus. His mind was playing on repeat that he had made a _terrible mistake_ and Luke was _genuine and open_ while Elliot was…

If getting hurt was inevitable even before he’d asked Luke out, why did Elliot feel so wretched?

Some part of his mind that wasn’t actually terrible finally made itself known: Elliot sat in this class instead of running around on the field with Luke because he didn’t believe that people needed to get hurt. He thought that if two people could talk about it there was no reason to hurt anyone, including himself. When he’d happened into a relationship with Luke, he’d gone in like one of those battle track cretins, thinking that they couldn’t come out unscathed.

The key to negotiating was that both people had to want the same thing. You could never be certain what the other party wanted, but you could try to understand the people you were negotiating with as honestly as possible, without all the prejudices that would get in the way.

He stood up abruptly, and his instructor looked up. “What is it this time, Elliot?”

“Well, I strongly object to how you’re talking about harpies as semi-intelligent life forms, and think it’s counterproductive to future attempts to negotiate with them, but I’ve actually got to go somewhere now and do something, so I don’t have time to thoroughly correct you.”

He darted from the classroom and down the stairs to the practice fields. It was convenient to be able to run without cramping, and would probably be even more convenient when he was able to hold a conversation when he arrived, but he certainly wasn’t going to admit that to Luke.

Luke was in the middle of archery practice, and Elliot stopped for just long enough to let Luke shoot five arrows into a tiny cluster at the center of the target.

“Nice shot.”

Luke’s head jerked around, and it took a moment for the hurt to filter into his expression. For a moment it was just sadness until anger covered over the top.

“You haven’t done enough damage, Elliot? Did you miss manipulating me?”

This was probably not the time to say that he did miss manipulating Luke, but not in the sinister way that Luke made it sound. “I need to talk to you.”

The archery instructor laid a hand heavily on Elliot’s shoulder. “I don’t know how you council track students behave in class. But my training is important. People could live or die based on what we’re doing here, and I don’t want you interrupting it over your romantic squabbles.”

Elliot looked around wildly. “Right, right, right. Shooting people will save many more lives than communicating. Wonderful. If I hadn’t learned my stellar interpersonal communication skills from my parents, I definitely would have figured it out here. How much longer is this class? I’ll wait.”

Luke put down his bow. “I’m sorry, sir. There’s no way anyone will get anything done if he stays here. I’ll get rid of him.”

It was not exactly the reception he’d been hoping for. Still. Luke stalked away from the targets, and Elliot hurried to keep up. “Alright, Elliot. Spit it out. I know you wanted to stay friends, but I’m not like you. I can’t brush this off like it didn’t matter to me.” He swallowed, and even that motion looked tense.

“I don’t want you to brush it off,” Elliot said practically. “I want you to go back to dating me. Actually, I want you to pretend I never broke up with you, because I didn’t mean to.”

Luke laughed bitterly. “Could have fooled me.”

“I was trying to offer you an easy way out,” he sighed. “I was trying to make it easier for you to break up with me.”

“Sorry I was such a poor sport,” he snarled.

Elliot tried to keep this sealed in his mind as a negotiation. A peace treaty. Of course Luke wasn’t ready to have this conversation. He still felt like the one under attack. “I thought you were going to break up with me because of Serene’s letter, and because no one had ever been able to stand me for so long, and because I didn’t think you could really--I mean, I wasn’t sure you felt--” Well, this was all falling to pieces. “So I was trying to make it easy for you to break up with me. “

“I don’t understand,” Luke began, “Why make it easy if you didn’t want it to happen at all?”

Elliot needed a script. He didn’t know how to answer these questions with proper protocol. He was silent for a long moment.

“If that’s all you wanted to say, I’ll go back to shooting things.”

“No. Listen. I’ll talk.”

Luke looked darkly amused. “I’m not trying to torture the truth out of you.”

There was an opening to say something corny here about the last eighteen hours being torture, but it was not something that Elliot could get to come out of his mouth, even in the desperation of the moment. “I just don’t know what to say. I’m trying to fix my mess, but I got myself into this, and I don’t have a new set of skills for getting out.. I got sick of dreading when you were finally going to end it. I couldn’t stand not being of control of when you were going to break my heart, so I tried to preempt it.”

“Break your heart?” Luke snorted.

“Can you pay attention to the relevant details, please?”

“Relevant details like the fact that you didn’t want me to break up with you, so you broke up with me instead.”

“When I asked you to date me, I thought you would say no. I was trying to get hurt. But the longer we were together, the more I didn’t want that.”

“It shouldn’t take a genius to realize I didn’t want that either,” Luke responded. He still sounded frustrated, but there was a note of something else in his voice. “I tried. I never thought you’d give me a chance, so I tried not to think about you like that. And when Serene and you dated, I even tried to be happy for you, although I couldn’t help being actually happy when you broke up. I knew it didn’t mean I could have you, but at least I wouldn’t have to pretend it was alright with me to see you with her all the time.

“And then when you asked me to date, I thought you’d figured me out and it was all just meant to humiliate me, and then even though it was real I realized I didn’t know how to do anything I was supposed to do correctly, and I thought you’d laugh at me and point out what an idiot I was, but you didn’t. And I was so scared that you’d think I could be the same as the others and do--whatever you did with Serene and that boy this summer, but you never pushed me or even asked about it. I thought it was enough that we held hands and understood each other, and I thought you were happy. I feel like such an idiot.”

It did not escape Elliot’s notice that what made Luke an idiot was thinking that Elliot had been happy. It wasn’t a safe assumption to make. It also did not escape Elliot’s notice that Luke was talking about liking Elliot long before Elliot had asked Luke to date. The knowledge made him feel giddy and guilty, in equal parts.

“Luke.” Luke flinched at his own name. “I was happy. I didn’t think it could last.”

Luke spread his hands, a gesture of defeat or emptiness, and neither of those were what Elliot had been aiming for. “I understand. A little. I think. What more do you want?”

Luke had all the pieces now. If he understood, and he still didn’t want to undo the last day, there was nothing else to try. “I’m sorry,” Elliot said, feeling the horribleness of all this more sharply than he had yet. The horribleness of himself. It was only right that when he’d found someone who could take him, someone who liked him--liked him even before any of this-- he broke it into a thousand pieces to see if he could. His chin pulled towards his chest, and he wished he had something to hide behind, a book or a map or even a Trigon ball.

“I don’t want you to do that again,” Luke said slowly.

Elliot’s head jerked up. “What?”

“I did not enjoy being broken up with, and I do not want to do it again. But I did enjoy dating you, and that part I want to do again.”

Elliot felt like he was watching himself experience a stroke from a distance. He was young for a stroke, but that seemed like the only possible explanation for why his facial muscles, including everything related to talking, seemed to go slack for so long.

“Elliot? Are you alright?”

“You want to do the dating part again?”

“Yes. Probably with better communication. But yes.”

Elliot’s facial muscles were now acting under their own impulses, because they pulled into a smile that was painful in how real it felt. “Yes.”


	8. Chapter 8

If things had been different, Elliot might have sat next to the Sunborns to watch the end of Radiant Jewel, because it seemed like an excellent viewpoint to watch Luke’s final moments of discomfort. But Elliot found that he was suddenly shy about approaching the Sunborns. Luke had written to Serene about him, but did Luke’s parents know what was going on? His family was probably disappointed that he wasn’t more--strapping? Dashing? Something like that.

Instead, he watched from behind the curtains, glaring at Adara, who’d had the audacity to wink at Red Rose when she stage-kissed Radiant Jewel. At least it had made narrative sense. 

When the curtain finally dropped, Elliot decided it was best to sneak away so Luke could have some time alone with his family. There was probably a cold balcony he could stand on, alone and shivering. That seemed fitting. 

“Elliot, where are you going?” Too slow. Not that he’d been wandering around, waiting to see if Luke would try to find him before he went outside. “My parents are waiting for us.”

“Us?”

“Elliot, they’d be waiting to see you even if we weren’t dating. But we are, and they know that, so I hope you have been mentally preparing yourself for a night of true horrors.”

With that, Luke led him, more cheerfully than his words hinted, to meet his parents in the back of the theater. They were sparkling with pride. “You boys were both wonderful,” Luke’s mother lavished, folding both of them into a hug. 

And then there was Louise. “So, Little Red, you’re the one teaching my sweet little brother the rules of loooooove?”

Luke grimaced. It had been a while since Elliot had seen him blush like this. He was probably losing his touch. “Louise, please leave my boyfriend alone.”

“I don’t think I can teach anyone about looooove, but I have tried to give him tutorials in turning people down nicely and breaking up with your boyfriend. Neither of those went very well.”

Louise laughed, “But we all know you’re the experienced one, Little Red. And Luke has always said that you’re a great teacher,” she winked, and Elliot felt his stomach twist. Luke’s dad was pretending to scan the room to see if he recognized anyone, but Rachel was not even pretending not to listen.

“It’s been great catching up with you, but we have to go backstage and--” he made a provocative face. “Finish up our lessons.”

That was probably the best thing to say to get Louise and Rachel to practically shove them away, and as a result, Elliot and Luke were alone behind the curtain in mere minutes. 

Abruptly, Luke pulled away. “Why did you tell them that?”

Elliot frowned. He’d thought he’d been kind of rescuing Luke. “So they would leave you alone? I didn’t mean to…” he trailed off. Luke had seemed so uncomfortable, he’d thought anything would be better. “I wasn’t trying to pressure you into anything.” 

“You aren’t pressuring me into anything!”

“Then why do you sound so angry?” 

Was this what better communication looked like? This was not enjoyable. Luke took a deep breath and let it whistle out between his lips. “I do want to kiss you.”

Elliot gave him a skeptical look. “Are you sure?” 

Luke hesitated. “I think so. You know I haven’t… but I think, with you.”

Elliot found his hand at home in Luke’s. “Your sister is right. I am an excellent teacher.”

He let himself feel the magnetic pull toward Luke again, and moved his other hand behind Luke’s head, gently tilting him nearer with a palm. He met Luke’s eyes. “Is this alright?” 

Luke’s head jerked the affirmative, and a moment later, Elliot’s palm was empty and Luke’s mouth was pressed against his. 

Elliot had actually gone in with a plan to show Luke how to kiss by demonstrating and then maneuvering Luke into position. He forgot this plan. Not because Luke (physically talented at nearly everything) was spectacularly great at kissing. But Luke was here, one hand in Elliot’s and the other, to Elliot’s surprise, was spanning from the hollow under Elliot’s ear to the tip of his chin. It didn’t matter if Luke was a good kisser, he was wrecking Elliot anyway. 

Elliot pulled away to catch his breath. “Well?” 

Luke’s mischievous smile crept over his face. “I think I could get used to that.”

Elliot could have spent the whole evening in these new studies with Luke, but he forced himself to take a step away. They had days and weeks and months ahead to learn it all together. 

“I think we should go find your family again,” Elliot suggested. “I want to discuss every element of your acting career with them in great detail.”


End file.
